I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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