did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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