i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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