It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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