mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
