I wanna bring you to show and tell
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
