How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'm always down for nudity.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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