I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
