it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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