I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
We smell like vodka and hangover
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