there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
