Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
