my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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