umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
