Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
