If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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