When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
