I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
