Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
where are my eyebrows?
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