Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
