I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
