I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
