God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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