i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
