In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
