he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
50% drunk capacity currently
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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