Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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