Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
