i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
