I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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