How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
