I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
