this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
dude. I can hear the air.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
