He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
