I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
