So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
so let's talk penis.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
