Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
