i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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