I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
