I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
