He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
