Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
