never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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