Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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