I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
