and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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