I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
