i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
