the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I could fuck to npr.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
