I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
