$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
