the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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